Photo courtesy of Marsha D. Langlois

It will remain an unfortunate blemish on the history of America that we have denigrated our farmers. The sociologists would say it was inevitable. As we moved from being an agrarian society to an industrialized nation, those who remained in the former disciplines of life were considered "less progressive." More pejorative terms such as dullards, clod-hoppers and luddites were used openly. "Farmer Joe" became the butt of too many jokes.

It is only now when our number of farmers is less than the number of people we have in jail, that we truly understand the valuable contribution our farm families made to the fabric of our society.

Certain farmers have kept the idea of Robert Frost's "Road Less Traveled" alive by their examples and their writings.

These include:

• Wendell Berry
• Gene Logsdon
• Maynard Murray
• William Albrecht
• Charles Walters
• Allan Nation
• President Thomas Jefferson

It's time to rebuild the community.

We depend upon people like to those listed above to inspire us. But we are more dependant on the thousands of farmers not listed above to bring to fruition the visions inspired by our leaders.

Ever since I grew up back in Kansas I've felt that home-made biscuits are one of the major food groups. I grew up with them, both of my parents could make biscuits and we had them several times a week. We ate them for breakfast, we had them with gravy quite often and we had them with chicken and noodles.By the time my daughters were about 8 years old grandpa had taught both of them how to make perfect biscuits every time. I didn't have an aunt that made bad biscuits, and in fact, country people back there wouldn't believe I was even writing out a recipe! I had to move to Minnesota to realize that you can make them BAD!

A good biscuit is complicated in it's simplicity. It should have very thin but hard crust, but be steaming hot with a delicate and soft flakiness inside. Your taste buds should be hit with simultaneous bursts of salt, baking powder, butter, the goodness of wheat and a certain "something else".

A biscuit is more than the sum of it's parts. Sadly, I've never been able to find a good biscuit since I moved here many years ago. Occasionally I'll find a passable one but that's only if I use my imagination and plenty of positive thinking. In Iowa, one might find a tolerable biscuit approximately 10% of the time. But then I make them myself, or go back home, and I realize that it's very definitely a REGIONAL and CULTURAL thing.

It's like grits. I'm not a fan of grits, Kansas wasn't that far south, but I know true Southerners have very, very specific feelings about this sacred mush. Back to biscuits, Minnesotans eat large mutant biscuit-like objects fairly frequently, but, since they have never had a good one, they don't realized that they are eating a ball of cake-like, crumbly, and flavorless un-bread. It's funny, I'm beginning to see these crumbly and pasty things in cheap motels and hotels now with a crock pot full of factory gravy! Ick! RUN! Do not eat!

OK, so here's my suggestions for making KILLER BISCUITS. Note that like my grandma, I don't really measure things, but have learned to use pinches and handfuls so when I put specific amounts I'm only guessing what actual quantity I'd really used. I think it's close enough but you can tailor this recipe to your own particular taste buds and style. These biscuits are FAST to make so you can almost start the oven, make a pot of coffee and by the time it's done you can be sitting down to steamy hot biscuits with your coffee. Well, not quite that fast but certainly by your second cup. I actually drink TEA in the morning but the effect is the same.

BASICS ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~3 CUPS OF FRESHLY GROUND FLOUR - We do keep organic wheat in the freezer and run it right through our Whisper Mill as we need it to cook with. Doing it this way seems to prevent allergies and gluten problems (for most of us anyway). You can use BUCKWHEAT or TRITICALE too. These are great grains. Boughten flour has lots of problems. ~~

1-2 TSP BAKING POWDER. You can get extreme here about sodium and so on but, this doesn't bother me too much so it's what I use. I think there are healthy options to BP but I haven't used them. The BP is there for the rising, but it adds a significant flavor to the biscuit. ~~

1-1.5 TSP SEASALT. Very important to add to the mix to achieve one of the 4-5 blended flavors that give a real biscuit it's bite. ~~~

2/3 STICK OF COLD BUTTER - You can substitute 1/2 of this with BACON GREASE if you have it. This is hard-core because the biscuits will have a bacon flavor. Don't use the BG if you don't like this flavor. LARD is great too if you have the pure stuff. The flavor and texture is divine and there are no off-flavors. ~~~

1-1.5 CUPS OF MILK (OR CREAM) You can and should use BUTTERMILK if you have it which I never do. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mix all the dry ingredients in a mixing bowl. Add the cold or chilled butter (soft butter won't work!) and cut it into the dry ingredients with a blending tool (curved metal wires) chopping and chopping, wiping each time until all the butter is cut into BB-sized globs covered with flour.

Then slowly add the milk using the exact amount that will make the dough into a ball you can roll. DO NOT KNEAD or OVERHANDLE- any action beyond the very minimum to mix the ingredients will result in tough biscuits.

Roll the dough out on the countertop to a very thin layer about 1/2" thick. A common mistake is to make them too thick! That leads to a cakey, crumbly affair. Use the top of a juice glass to cut the circles, or a round cookie cutter.

Place them on a cookie sheet with a bit of flour or cornmeal under them. Make sure the biscuits touch each other which helps rising. Bake in a hot oven, 425- 450 degrees, until they have risen and have a light golden brown tone. SERVE HOT with a huge slab of butter and some good home-made fruit jam!

Honey is also good with the melted butter! I make mine so thin that I don't split them for buttering, just slather it on top. Keep them warm by wrapping them with a clean dish towel (a red checkered towel makes the biscuits taste better, so does using a pretty wicker basket).

Where I'm from people quite often serve biscuits with a good gravy. The most common are RED EYE GRAVY (HAM JUICES with COFFEE in it), CHICKEN-FRIED STEAK GRAVY (if you have to ask, skip this one), PORK SAUSAGE GRAVY, or FRIED CHICKEN GRAVY. All good, all amazing. STORE the leftovers in a paper bag and warm them up in a cast iron skillet with a lid on it. You can also use a toaster oven but it dries them out more.

Kentucky farmer and noted poet Wendell Berry understands the circle of life that good farms demand.

In his book, "Sex, Economy, Freedom and Community" he notes,

"In our relation to the land we are ruled by a number of terms and limits set not by anyone's preferences, but by nature and by human nature.

I. Land that is used will be ruined unless it is properly cared for.

II. Land cannot be properly cared for by people who do NOT know it intimately.

III. People cannot be adequately motivated to care for land by general principles..

IV. People are motivated to care for land to the extent that their interest in it is direct, dependable and permanent.

V. They will be motivated to care for the land if they can reasonably expect that their children and grandchildren will live on it.

VI. ... There is a limit to how much land can be owned before an owner is unable to take proper care of it.

VII. A nation will destroy its land and therefore itself if it does not foster in every possible way the sort of thrifty, prosperous, permanent rural households and communities that have the desire, the skills and the means to care properly for the land they are using."

This is book is worth your time. It is even worth stealing some time from work, church or hobby to get to read it.

by Inaugural Poet Elizabeth Alexander

My mother loves butter more than I do,
more than anyone. She pulls chunks off
the stick and eats it plain, explaining
cream spun around into butter! Growing up
we ate turkey cutlets sautéed in lemon
and butter, butter and cheese on green noodles,
butter melting in small pools in the hearts
of Yorkshire puddings, butter better
than gravy staining white rice yellow,
butter glazing corn in slipping squares,
butter the lava in white volcanoes
of hominy grits, butter softening
in a white bowl to be creamed with white
sugar, butter disappearing into
whipped sweet potatoes, with pineapple,
butter melted and curdy to pour
over pancakes, butter licked off the plate
with warm Alaga syrup. When I picture
the good old days I am grinning greasy
with my brother, having watched the tiger
chase his tail and turn to butter. We are
Mumbo and Jumbo's children despite
historical revision, despite
our parent's efforts, glowing from the inside
out, one hundred megawatts of butter.

by Jonas Stoltzfus

Unchain my farmer
and set him free
Needs no permission
to sell raw milk to me.

To buy my food
just go to his farm
I can be very sure
he will do me no harm.

The dairy stuff he makes
kefir, butter, and cheese
all so very tasty
and it’s sure to please.

He makes it for his children
they’re healthy as can be
If it’s good enough for them
then it’s good enough for me.

So unchain my farmer
and set him free
no permits needed
to sell raw milk to me.

John Langlois is a farmer, WAPF Chapter Leader, website designer and masterful activist/teacher through light-hearted comedy spoofs.

Enjoy his writings here and on his website www.foggybottomfarms.com

 

This material by John Langlois was originally published on The Spoof.com

All works are parodies designed to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable.

Denver, CO - Horizon Dairy, a subsidiary of Dean Foods, announced today that they were stumped by the behavior of many of their dairy cows. The cows, which are usually kept in "Organic Feed-Lots" broke out of their confinement and romped in nearby grass fields.

They were sporting over-sized T-shirts that read "Tell Horizon We Want Fresh Grass, Not Organic Bull."

Horizon, which controls 70% of the organic milk market has come under criticism recently because they have exploited a loophole in the organic standards that require that dairy cows have access to fresh pasture. A spokesman for the dairy said,

"Hey, we show them pictures of lush green valleys and then give them organic corn. It's just as good."

Evidently, the cows disagree. And they seem to be organized, as evidenced by their refusal to return to the feedlot and their strategic placement of "cow pies" in the front seats of the corporate convertibles parked at the Horizon office.

The cows, although declining to speak, did send a press release noting "We figured out when the Holsteins started those "Eat more Chikin" adds that people really will pay attention if we just say what we want.

Well, here's what we want:

1). Fresh Green Grass.

2). Grown outside with no pesticides.

3). Plenty of sunshine and a pinch of salt. Oh, and could you put a couple of those bulls on a diet? Really, what's a girl supposed to do?"

Their press release also pleaded with consumers to be more empathetic. It stated,

"We know we have it better than the poor girls that are being shot up with rBGH (Bovine growth hormone) and we don't want to sound ungrateful. We also feel that our consumers are paying top dollar for our milk and have a right to know we could be delivering an even better product, if we could just get off the damn corn diet. Imagine if you had to eat corn every day. Talk about "bowel blow-outs". That corn shoots through us faster than a Republican Senator's campaign funds."

"Tell Horizon to cut the crap and play by the rules." "Don't make us have to get ugly."

In what appeared to many to be a cruel irony, the U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA) was assigned the task of handling the Drug Enforcement Administration's cases and the DEA will now regulate the dairy industry.

"Operation Switch'em" came about when efficiency experts noticed a couple of peculiarities in the agencies.

Government spokesman Ned Leafturner noted, "We noticed that since the USDA began regulating the dairy industry that 88% of all dairy farms have gone out of business. That's a remarkable story when you consider the large number of people and farms involved."

He went on, "Just the opposite seems to be the case over at DEA. Rather than eliminating the drug problems in this country, the DEA has turned them into a major industry. Since we now have more people in jail than we have farmers in this country, we thought the best thing for most Americans would be to have these two groups swap jobs."

The switch seems to have had some immediate success. Joe Johnson, a local dairy farmer in Minnesota said, "The strangest thing happened. A guy from the DEA came by and said that I no longer would be forced to sell my milk to dairy cartels. For a little protection money, I can sell it wherever and to whomever I wish. Freedom is a funny thing."

The switch appears to have disrupted the "bribery train" of money in both groups. Drug dealers complain that when they contact the USDA that they are routed over to a guy from Monsanto who wants to sell them GMO corn.

Lobbyists for ADM and other food conglomerates complain that the DEA has started busting them for chemical additives like MSG. (Monosodium glutamate)

"Look, we have seen people swell up, go into anaphylactic shock and even wind up in the hospital because of MSG. This addictive stuff is worse than crack. You will never convince us this is not a dangerous drug," said one DEA spokesman.

While the two groups sort through the changes that their new responsibilities entail, one notable change has to do with enforcement.

Leafturner noted, "We need to retrain the DEA guys not to bust open doors and machine gun the cows. Cows are not going to "assume the position" or generally respond to the DEA's barked commands."

He went on, "We also have a problem with the USDA people not understanding that they are supposed to put the drug people out of business.

We tell them, "Just pretend that every drug dealer you meet is a small dairy farmer and treat him like you always have."

For several years the U.S. Department of Agriculture has been promoting a program called NAIS, the National Animal Identification System.

The program has as its centerpiece the insertion of a RFID chip into every animal located on a farm, moving between farms or that have ever been seen a farm on a trip to any part of America.

"We basically thought we wanted a RFID chip in every cow, pig, chicken or dog in America," said a department spokesman.

"Although we have working systems that already track disease and animal ownership, it just seemed like a really cool hi-tech way to count animals,"he noted.

"The bird flu idea belonged to the drug companies, but it gave us another reason to press on with getting those chips installed. Of course, as soon as we tried to chip the wild birds like crows or Herons, we discovered a guy could get hurt doing this."

He then said, "Of course, we expected the farmers to pay for the program because they have always been dumb enough to work for free anyway," he noted.

Recently however, the program has met with national resistance because not only the farming community but also pet owners, civil libertarians and some churches see this level of government coercion as a violation of basic civil rights.

"George Orwell would be really proud of what these guys have done and the way they are pretending not to do it," said an ACLU speaker.

For the most part, the public remains unaware of the program, except for those few unfortunate individuals who have bitten down on a ""spicy chicken wing" and felt the metallic crunch of a RFID.

But enough protest has reached Washington that the USDA has decided to change its tact. "Hey, we know we made a mistake by reaching too far with this one," said a USDA official, "but the commodity brokers and our friends at ADM said we owed them one."

"Not to worry," he continued. We are changing the focus. We figure if we can't get all these chips into the chickens, we can get them into the illegal aliens. Then maybe INS will be able to find them."

"The earth is given as a common stock for man to labor and live on. If
for the encouragement of industry we allow it to be appropriated, we
must take care that other employment be provided to those excluded
from the appropriation. If we do not, the fundamental right to labor
the earth returns to the unemployed... It is not too soon to provide
by every possible means that as few as possible shall be without a
little portion of land. The small landholders are the most precious
part of a state."
—Thomas Jefferson, to James Madison, 1785.